Tonja’s Thoughts… June, 2010
Working to Heal the Abused Feminine Spirit
After tolerating a mentally challenging and traumatic ordeal, I felt like a survivor. The trauma was endured during a very short-term abusive relationship with someone who could have benefited from a cheerful vacation in an intensive outpatient program. My field is psychotherapy, but I try not to pathologize people (in or out of a therapy setting) just so I can come up with a diagnostic criterion that would make them fit within the multi-axial system of the DSM-IV. This relationship was non-professional, so I could render a subjective assessment just like anyone outside of my field. The words psychosis and petulance kept popping into my head as I observed behaviors, thoughts and communications of the abusive individual.
This piece is not about the person who inflicted the maltreatment or about psychotherapy. It is about my thoughts on mental abuse and the need to heal the abused feminine spirit.
I was not harmed physically, but I felt injured psychologically and spiritually. There was a need to heal and recover on many levels. The individual would adamantly deny inflicting distress, as it appeared that his behaviors were part of his questionable disposition rather than an intentional strategy to cause harm. He apologized and made excuses for his behaviors a few different times, but it did not change the abusiveness that had already been imposed against my feminine spirit.
Sometimes apologies, excuses and non-intent are “get out of jail free” cards that some carry next to their abusive behaviors. If someone is abusive toward you “unintentionally” on a regular basis, at what point will they be responsible for the harm they are causing you? I’m sure drunk drivers do not intend to kill or paralyze others, yet they keep driving inebriated.
If someone apologizes on a regular basis for abusive behaviors, tell them you would rather have a three-dollar bill. Their apologies are just as phony and useless. When they acknowledge their abusive behaviors, but give you a multitude of excuses like being exhausted or distressed, this is an attempt to weaken your spirit. They are trying to sway you to feel their abusive behaviors are the result of them feeling abused by life or others. Everyone needs empathy, but this does not translate into making another person a scapegoat. Feminine spirits have been known to be unwitting scapegoats, but we have the power to stand up and refuse to accept the role. Anyone who engages in abusive behaviors and tries to manipulate others to become their scapegoat should consider psychotherapy, creative arts therapy, or massage therapy.
Does the thought of my abuse being unintentional invalidate the abuse I endured? No. Who has the authority to authenticate my feelings of being abused? I do. My situation should resonate with all who are currently in or were formerly dealing with abusive relationships with mates, friends, family, associates, and others. Remember, no one has the right to subject you to abusive behaviors in an attempt to manipulate, belittle, intimidate, gain empathy, declare their imagined superiority, or for any other reason.
We all encounter mentally abusive people and some of us do not recognize the abuse since we have no visible scars or bruises. Each mentally abusive incident can chip away at our spirit leaving it wounded. Broken bones can mend, cuts may be stitched, bruises will heal, but the abused feminine spirit may not heal so easily or quickly. Sometimes an individual may be unaware of how much damage their feminine spirit has endured and do not know how to heal. The first step in healing is to seek help to learn how to recognize mental abuse and its effects.
If you don’t see a crack in a vase, you will not repair it. Since we cannot see the wounds to our feminine spirit, we don’t always seek to heal it. Many of us may have a build-up of wounds to our feminine spirit as we deny, forgive or dismiss the abuse and/or abusers. The trend in the holistic industry is to have colonics performed by professionals who hook the person up to a machine that extracts the toxic waste. Unfortunately, there is no such machine to cleanse or drain toxins from the spirit.
Throughout the world feminine spirits are abused every second of the day. This includes harassment, stalking, bullying, mocking, name-calling, ridiculing, threats, humiliation, maltreatment, neglect, exploitation, oppression, manipulation, and other forms of mental and emotional cruelty. This does not include the brutality of assault, rape, and maiming that is sometimes added to the mental and emotional abuse. Of course, the irrevocable consequence of abuse is death by killing the physical body. This means the end of a heartbeat, blood flow, and breathing as a living being.
Humans have a spirit, or soul, or chi, or essence. Some may refer to this as the inner self, core, or real meaning of a person. Character, moral fiber, and strength of mind can be used interchangeably to identify a person’s spirit. It is important to heal the spirit as a living being so that you can “rest in peace” when your body departs from this existence. There may be some truth to the tales of restless spirits or ghosts having been abused during life. Abuse can sometimes kill the feminine spirit, which leaves a body that wanders through life struggling with depression, self-harm, substance abuse, and other mental disorders.
The 12-year-old girl who has been bullied, ridiculed or called names by her boyfriend has suffered abuse to her feminine spirit. The 20-year-old college student who has been exploited, stalked or date-raped has suffered abuse to her feminine spirit. The 35-year-old worker who has been mocked, threatened or oppressed by her boss has suffered abuse to her feminine spirit. The 50-year-old mother who has been humiliated, assaulted, or maimed by her husband has suffered abuse to her feminine spirit. The age, race, culture, religion, educational or economic status, or geographic location does not matter when a feminine spirit has been injured. A healing process for the feminine spirit needs to take place to heal the mental and emotional wounds that can traumatize the feminine psyche.
A feminine spirit can be powerful and positive if it is fertilized in optimistic and non-harmful conditions. Unlike the physical injuries, a damaged spirit cannot be seen with the naked eye. The body is a packaging that encloses the feminine spirit, but it cannot always protect it. We cannot see the spirit that lies within, but we are aware of it and can sense it. When a feminine spirit suffers abuse of any kind, it will be dispirited. A thwarted feminine spirit can result in low self-esteem, a pessimistic attitude, self-injurious behaviors, and other non-healthy ways of living. Some feminine spirits can soar in the midst of chaos as they view abuse as an obstacle that empowers them. They are survivors who will stomp out fires, tear down walls and build bridges for others. One goal of Feminine Unity is to help build bridges for those who have suffered abuse. Other feminine spirits are here to hold your hand or carry you across the bridge to a healthy and happy spirit.
If you or anyone you know has suffered or are currently suffering in an abusive relationship, please reach out. Whether you have old wounds or new wounds, reclaiming the positive feminine spirit that you are entitled to is within your reach. Remember the old familiar adage “together we stand, divided we fall”, so let’s stand together in Feminine Unity.
As always, I would love to hear from anyone who is willing to share their thoughts on this topic. Your responses will not be posted unless you specify, so they will be confidential.